I couldn't talk - all I could do was cry

MY MISCARRIAGE STORY

Memories now engraved in my brain. I’m a sophomore in college right now. I would have been going through my second trimester as I write this. I know there are women who have gone through many miscarriages, which has made me nervous to share my story, having only gone through one.

My freshmen year of college, I had emergency surgery to remove a cyst that completely distorted my fallopian tube, so it was removed as well. I was devastated because I had gone to the doctor many times for pain, only to be turned away – being told it was small and would go away on its own. Which wasn’t the case, since I had to have emergency surgery to remove more than just the cyst. I was terrified it would impact my fertility later in life. Again, I was met with “It will have no effect – you will be fine.”

I am lucky to have a supportive long-term partner by my side. When I found out I was pregnant, he was supportive of whatever I decided to do. I immediately began planning. I couldn’t wait to give my baby the childhood I didn’t have – even if the timing was off. I would stay in school and show my baby how to chase their dreams no matter what. I told my family, and everyone was beyond supportive.

But I had a voice in the back of my head telling me something was going to happen. It made me very anxious – but in my heart, all I wanted was to do everything to make sure my baby would be healthy and happy. I made sure to eat all the right foods and take care of myself.

I went home for Thanksgiving. I remember going to Barnes and Noble and reading all the parenting books I could find for advice and what to expect through the pregnancy. I started journaling to have something to share with my baby one day (which was my partner’s idea).

I am religious. When I was 13 years old, I had a dream of my first baby – the feeling of holding her and looking into her eyes. Her name was Lily. So when I found out I was pregnant, I knew God was sending me my Lily. I knew it was her.

A few days after being home, I began bleeding – spotting. I immediately went to the ER but was sent home. They told me it was a UTI, very common, and not to worry. The bleeding continued on and off.

My family told me nothing was wrong, but I knew there was. I bought pregnancy tests and they both read positive, which brought me comfort. But still something was wrong, so I went back to the ER. My HGC levels had plummeted since my last visit, and they told me I had no chance of keeping “The Fetus.”

I remember trying to be strong, but I was overwhelmed with grief and guilt.

Again, I was sent home the next morning. I woke up in hot sweats and overwhelming cramping. I remember not taking any pain medication because I wanted to feel every second of this moment.

I was sitting on the toilet naked, holding my stomach, crying in pain and grief as my body rejected my Lily.

Sitting on the floor, I held her in my hands. How in the world was I just supposed to flush her down the toilet? I held a piece of my soul in that moment. 

And in just an instant, it was all gone.

I felt empty. How was I supposed to talk about this while my grandmother had shown me the blanket she had already started for my little girl? How was I supposed to just go to school and act normal? I had never wanted to die more than I did in that moment. 

I had prayed every night: “God, please don’t take my baby from me.” I would have switched places if it would bring her back. I felt robbed of my first child. And I felt so alone.

No one in my family had experienced what I had. They had no understanding, and they wanted me to talk all about it.

I couldn’t talk. All I could do was cry. 

Driving back from the ER, I screamed in the car with all I had. I let it all out until I had no more voice to scream with.

Now I am scared. I’m terrified that I won’t ever get to have a baby. I’m angry God promised me my Lily and then took her from me. And that when I get pregnant again, it won’t ever be my first. Which breaks my heart.

There was a time in my life when I didn’t want to have children. Now the one thing I want most in this world is to be a Mom. That would be the greatest gift I could ever receive. I know my Lily is in Heaven and I am so sorry I didn’t get the chance to meet her or see the beautiful person she would become.

This is just a small piece of my story. There is still much more healing to be done.