MY MISCARRIAGE AND INFERTILITY STORY
After working with a fertility doctor for a year to try to conceive, we finally got our baby girl!
Years before our fertility journey, I had cancer. I was told that I would have less eggs than the average woman my age (29). Still hopeful, we decided to try for a second baby. We spent another year trying to conceive – another fertility doctor and all the testing, cycle monitoring, etc. all over again.
We’ve had zero progression for 3 years now (seems like forever) and we are exhausted from life, work, meds, trying on ovulation days, waiting each day for a missed period – month after month after month, knowing each year I am reaching closer to “geriatric” egg levels. And then at 35, we FINALLY conceived naturally!
We were so beyond excited that even at 6 weeks when I had my ultrasound with a heartbeat, we told practically everyone!!!
The doctor said to come back the next week. At that appointment, the technician took out the transvaginal wand, told me to get dressed, and said the doctor would call me.
Her demeanor was quite different from the previous week, and I knew something wasn’t right. She wouldn’t tell me anything, but her lack of telling me was all I needed to know. I sat there and cried all alone because Covid protocols did not allow for even your spouse to be in there.
I called my husband and told him to come home. We sat there for hours just staring numbly at the walls until the doctor called to confirm there was no heartbeat.
Although it was early, it was still heartbreaking.
And on top of that, we had to tell so many people the bad news – just after we shared the good news. And if that wasn’t hard enough, I still had to go through a D&C and recover from that as well.
Fast forward a few months later, we were supposed to conceive via IUI, but ended up getting pregnant naturally – again! Oh my gosh, we were over the moon again, in disbelief, and thought this was meant to be!
We kept it quiet this time – except for our immediate family and a few friends – but still couldn’t wait to tell everyone!
6 week checkup – good, 7 week checkup – even better, 8 week checkup – great, 10 week checkup…….
The technician once again took the wand out and said the doctor would call me.
It was like déjà vu came back and punched me in the throat with brass knuckles.
Once again, I cried alone. Once again, I had to share the bad news. Once again, I had to go through a D&C. Once again, we were heartbroken.
Once again, I would have to watch every single thing on my phone be related to pregnancy and newborns and gender reveals and everyone else’s joy but my own.
Once again, my stomach would just be filled with food and no baby.
Sitting there wondering why my body isn’t doing its job. Blaming my cancer history.
Not knowing whether I should wallow in depression or accept facts and move on.
Telling myself all the things I need to hear to be able to move on and take care of my other child.
Things like, “It wasn’t meant to be, it happens to so many women, you aren’t alone, you did nothing wrong.” A lot of the same things I would hear from others. All of it true, but nothing really made me feel better.
I decided to wallow for a bit, then accept facts and continue forward with even more force until we get our rainbow baby.
The second miscarriage happened just last week, so talking about it still makes me tear up – but writing about it is helpful and therapeutic.
I am a hopeful and positive person and I know we are meant to have another child – l just didn’t expect it to come with heartbreaks beforehand.
But I am a survivor, and as they say, this too shall pass. I really hope even one person finds some kind of peace or hope knowing we are all strong no matter what the backstory.
And to keep pushing forward, as I know I will be.