MY MISCARRIAGE AND IVF STORY
Two of my miscarriages were through IVF and one of them was from trying naturally.
It blows me away that it's such a grieving. It's such a big loss. It's so difficult. It makes me emotional talking about it.
I was going to the IVF doctor because I didn't think I'd get pregnant naturally – and then I did.
I was so hopeful: This is a miracle! It wasn't meant to be the IVF – it was meant to be this natural way!
At six weeks, we saw the heartbeat. Then at eight and a half weeks, that had gone.
I didn't want to have a procedure. I would let it come out naturally, and that was the most painful, horrendous, terrible thing. It was just crazy because I'd put all my hopes on this amazing miracle that happened.
I only told one or two people about that situation. It was just easier not to say anything.
I didn't tell my family anything. I just didn't want to tell them we were doing IVF and then tell them we had a miscarriage. It just seemed too much to tell anybody.
I buried myself in my house and then we were like, At least I know I can get pregnant.
I tried to put a spin on it, and I did after a while: This is a good thing. My body can do it in some way, shape, or form.
We decided to do IVF.
We did it with donor eggs and we were like, This is going to be way better because these donor eggs are super healthy eggs.
Our doctor said the miscarriage rate was less than 5% with donor eggs. I was like, Amazing, this is going to be great. This is it. These doner eggs are like a miracle. I knew this was going to work.
I had a miscarriage with the donor egg at five weeks. I was like, WHAT?! It was crazy to me that I had a miscarriage with donor eggs when that was supposed to be such a rare thing.
The biggest frustration was the doctor not knowing why I had those miscarriages. There was nothing like, It’s because you've got endometritis or it's because you've got blah, blah. There was no reason. They could never figure it out.
“Then we were over it. We thought, Maybe we'll look into adoption. Maybe we won't have any kids at all. I was in a really weird place at that time. I wasn't sure what I wanted or how life was going to be"
I told my husband, Let's try donor eggs one more time.
I don't know why I wanted to do that, but I did. We used a different donor and I had a miscarriage again. It was really early, it was like five or six weeks, there's no heartbeat.
I think that might have been my worst one because I thought, I cannot believe this has happened for a third time. No explanation, nothing wrong with me apart from needing IVF. No diagnosis.
I was quite happy to just be on my own and zone out. I spent the entire month just on the couch watching TV and that's all I wanted to do. I didn't need to chat about it. I just wanted to watch TV. I wanted to be in my little hole in my bedroom and my husband would go off to work and he'd come back and I was happy just being a hermit. That's all I wanted to do for about four weeks.
I did pull myself together -- I knew I would. I knew I'd get through it. I knew I'd get to the other side. I've always been like that in most situations. I knew it would have a lid on it. I knew it wouldn't be forever. And I knew I needed time to do nothing and not be anywhere.
It’d been about three or four months, and we had two eggs leftover that had been frozen.
I didn't even want to use them. I was like, This is going to be crazy, I don't want to put my body through this again. I know I'll have another miscarriage.
My husband said, We have to use them or we’re never going to know. I agreed, but I just didn't care. I was like, I'm not taking any time off work. I'm not changing my life. I don't want to take any medication this time. I want to do it as naturally as we can.
In our minds, this was our last shot. We were just using them for the sake of it.
The entire pregnancy I thought it wasn't going to work out. I got past further than I'd ever been and I was like, Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
We didn't tell anyone for about four or five months. My husband was very supportive, but he was scared as well.
I never really felt safe the entire pregnancy. I was scared until she came out. Now we have this gorgeous little baby girl.
I don't know what was different, but for some reason, it worked.
I used to hate those people – and I still hate those people – who are like, When you stop worrying, it'll happen. Or When you chill out, it'll happen. I used to want to punch them in the face.
But I have to say that we bought a house when I was pregnant and my husband worried,
Oh my God, what if something happens and we bought this house?! I was like, What are we going to do? We have to take some risks.
And that's the table that turned.
I wish I would've known how common miscarriage is.
I was so frustrated that I didn't know the reasons why I miscarried. I've found it hard not to know.
My daughter is now almost 4 years old, and as cute and lovely as ever. I am so grateful for her every day!!