MY MISCARRIAGE STORY
I'm getting choked up thinking about it. My friend was so sweet that day. She didn't say anything. She just came to the shower and brought me a little gift. It was a bracelet, and she said, I know this isn't easy for you. That just touched me so much. The fact that she brought me a pretty bracelet. Later during the party, she just walked by and squeezed my arm. Not to make any big deal out of it, but just to be like, I'm here. I thought to myself, Wow. She knows how much this hurts.
She knew. But she had never opened up about her experience.
My pregnant sister and pregnant sister-in-law asked me if I wanted to postpone their baby shower. I said, Absolutely not. Your baby shower has nothing to do with me. We're celebrating your babies. This is your time. I so appreciate you thinking of me.
Plus, that would just put a bigger spotlight on it anyway. Like, We have to postpone because the host has had a miscarriage.
I was so happy for my sister and sister-in-law. I didn't begrudge them at all. But it was really hard because everyone in our friend group had babies at the same time. We had a group of six babies all the same age. So this shower was all pregnant women and infants. It was an assault of babies. I hit my limit when Tony & Julie showed up: Oh my gosh, she's pregnant too? Come ON!
I remember thinking, I just want to go home. I just want to go home. I just want to get out of here. And not let my sister or sister-in-law know at all. But they knew. They both were very sensitive and very kind to me during that time. Very thoughtful – but not so much to make me feel bad.
When two of the three women in a family are pregnant, you get together. Everyone's talking about the pregnancies, the babies, what names, etc. They were very considerate to make sure every conversation wasn't baby-centric.
It wasn't even like I felt sorry for myself. It just hurt. It just really hurt. I was 36-years-old. It was that panic, is this going to happen? Is it not going to happen?
The minute you find out you're pregnant — you see those double lines and you start seeing this imaginary world.
You think, We’ve got to convert the room. And next year at Thanksgiving, we need to have a crib. I was going to be a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding around my delivery due date. I remember thinking, Ooh, should I tell her that I can't wear a bridesmaid gown?
You build this imaginary world. Then all of a sudden it's gone.