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It was that panic - is this going to happen? Is it not going to happen?


I'm getting choked up thinking about it. My friend was so sweet that day. She didn't say anything. She just came to the shower and brought me a little gift. It was a bracelet, and she said, I know this isn't easy for you. That just touched me so much. The fact that she brought me a pretty bracelet. Later during the party, she just walked by and squeezed my arm. Not to make any big deal out of it, but just to be like, I'm here. I thought to myself, Wow. She knows how much this hurts.

She knew. But she had never opened up about her experience.

My pregnant sister and pregnant sister-in-law asked me if I wanted to postpone their baby shower. I said, Absolutely not. Your baby shower has nothing to do with me. We're celebrating your babies. This is your time. I so appreciate you thinking of me.

Plus, that would just put a bigger spotlight on it anyway. Like, We have to postpone because the host has had a miscarriage.

I was so happy for my sister and sister-in-law. I didn't begrudge them at all. But it was really hard because everyone in our friend group had babies at the same time. We had a group of six babies all the same age. So this shower was all pregnant women and infants. It was an assault of babies. I hit my limit when Tony & Julie showed up: Oh my gosh, she's pregnant too? Come ON!

I remember thinking, I just want to go home. I just want to go home. I just want to get out of here. And not let my sister or sister-in-law know at all. But they knew. They both were very sensitive and very kind to me during that time. Very thoughtful – but not so much to make me feel bad.

When two of the three women in a family are pregnant, you get together. Everyone's talking about the pregnancies, the babies, what names, etc. They were very considerate to make sure every conversation wasn't baby-centric.

It wasn't even like I felt sorry for myself. It just hurt. It just really hurt. I was 36-years-old. It was that panic, is this going to happen? Is it not going to happen?

The minute you find out you're pregnant — you see those double lines and you start seeing this imaginary world.

You think, We’ve got to convert the room. And next year at Thanksgiving, we need to have a crib. I was going to be a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding around my delivery due date. I remember thinking, Ooh, should I tell her that I can't wear a bridesmaid gown?

You build this imaginary world. Then all of a sudden it's gone.


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