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Missed Abortion


I had never even heard of that term before until it showed up on my lab report.

I went into my 12 week appointment feeling so good. It was supposed to be a quick hearing of the heartbeat with the doppler. In and out in 5 minutes.

The nurse came in and couldn't find the hearbeat. She didnt seem concerned and said this happens from time to time. For me this meant I would be able to look at my baby and hear the heartbeat with the ultrasound.

I went into the ultrasound room and the technician was very silent. I asked, "Is there a heartbeat?" After a pause, she replied, "The doctor will be able to talk to you after." That's it. I wanted to ask again but at that point my mind already knew, however my heart was still hopeful.

The doctor walked in with the saddest look and said she was sorry and there is no heartbeat. I told her this was a shock because I had no symptoms and felt great. She said my body still had not recognized the loss. I was devastated.

She gave me three options. The first was to wait until my body expelled the pregnancy on its own. I could not go on with my life waiting, so I did not go with this option.

The second was a D&C and I just didn't want to go through a surgery, so I didn't do this option.

I went with the third option. The pills. Worst decision of my life.

I ended up passing out from all the blood loss and having to be rushed to emergency surgery for a D&C.

It was very traumatizing and I still get anxiety about it.

September 2022 was my due date. When it approached, I was sad for what could have been -- but then I realize how proud I am of my body.

My body was able to take care of me to realize that my pregnancy was not viable.

It did it early enough so that I didn't have to make a difficult decision later on.

For that I am grateful and hopeful for the future.


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