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Delayed Fertility


We bought a big SUV in 2017 hoping to fill it with car seats. Our two dogs have comforted us.

My dogs snore next to me.

I feel her heartbeat.

I hear his sighs and yawns.

I listen to soothing tunes.

I walk them in parks and see cute babies. Toddlers on the swing. Kids kicking soccer balls. Young fit moms pushing strollers.

I sigh. I cry. I bleed. Another day another month.

I go to work and see the pregnant bellies and hear of her shower or him coming back from family trips or paternity leave.

I wake up from dreams and visions that are so vivid but aren’t real.

It’s so hard to get out of bed. I need exercise, gulp my vitamins, and thankful for coffee or tea. I write in my journal. I meditate.

Everyone tells or asks or texts me, verses, prayers, unsolicited advice, what to try, what not to do or eat. I know they’re trying to help.

I wait. I pray. I do arts and crafts and make vision boards and color.

I light candles and use my oils. I read stories of miracles.

Occasionally I’ll get one of those headaches I cannot shake.

Doctors say I’m healthy and fertile. For years they’ve said, “Oh no worries you will get pregnant in no time!”

I hold my dogs close. I whisper and hold my husband’s hands and hug him.

Not his fault! It’s nothing we did or didn’t do.

I see joy and am surrounded by all the health and wealth and people buying houses and graduations and having their second or third kid.

I welcome the love. I am glad and happy, sad and frustrated all the time. Contentment and choosing peace.

Choose gratitude.

I try to focus on work or a book but I end up walking and looking at trees or escaping to a show.

I can’t handle so many thoughts and ideas and emotions rushing into my head.

I trust. I lean in. I share and I soak.

I listen and learn and watch and taste and smell.

I appreciate and reach out for support and for “baby energy.” Yet some days I distance and isolate because I cannot even!

Thankful. The dogs bring me so much joy. Being an auntie helps. Being happily married is wonderful! Just not the same as giving breathing having taking care raising your own.

It will be ok. I am such a persistent persevering enduring warrior and I’m weary!

I will be fine. Gotta trudge through the muck and mire the mud of grief.

I won’t give up. I will keep asking and seeking and knocking.

I hear another story and read an article about so and so who had twins at that age!

I see you. I hear you. I feel the heartache. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

Sad and glad at the same time. Grounded and floating.

A windy kite. A night of scrabble or dancing or a creative picnic or a concert we don’t have to worry about a sitter or a third ticket or tuition or anything!

Learning to love myself and not second guess.

Taking it one day at a time.


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